As parents, certain experiences keep repeating on loop. One such experience is facing split-second decisions on whether they should offer advice to their kids when they’re visibly upset or simply listen to what they want to say. Most parents are wired to fix their children’s problems almost instantly. While it’s natural, loving, and well-intentioned, it can sometimes be the worst thing they end up doing.
After talking to several kids across different age groups, we at Delhi Public School Kota, positioned among the top CBSE schools in Kota, have realised that kids don’t always want their parents to swoop in with solutions. Sometimes, they simply want their parents to listen to what they have to say, validate their feelings, and trust them to figure things out. Having said that, we understand that as a parent, it can be challenging to know when your kids require attentive listening and which situations demand fixing. Hence, we’ve created this blog post to help you navigate these challenging situations.
By the end of this blog, you’ll have a clear understanding of when to offer listening and when to provide fixing to your children. So, let’s explore it through the following points.
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Pay Attention to Their Body Language and Tone
Surprisingly, children say more through their body language and tone than they do verbally. So, whenever you want to help your kids, pause and notice their body language and tone. Whenever kids need patient and judgment-free listening, they will start displaying specific physical cues. For example, they’ll avoid eye contact, speak in a deflated tone, curl up in a small space, etc.
They may even fidget, doodle, or appear distracted while talking. All these signals indicate emotional overwhelm, highlighting that your kids are processing big feelings and need a safe space to express them without judgment. Whenever you notice these cues, choose listening over fixing.
Similarly, kids who want you to be in your fixing mode will display more animated body language, such as gesturing actively, maintaining eye contact, and speaking with urgency. These actions indicate that they’re in problem-solving mode themselves and would appreciate any help. It is in these situations that you offer fixing over listening.
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Listen to How They Frame Their Problems
We at Delhi Public School Kota firmly believe that the language your children use during conversations can wonderfully reveal their underlying needs.
Those seeking emotional support will typically use feeling-focused language. For example, they’ll start saying sentences like ‘I’m upset’ or ‘I feel awful’ frequently. If you notice your kids describing emotions more than events, and they repeat the communication pattern multiple times, then offer them listening.
In contrast, offer fixing over listening when your kids start using more problem-focused language. In most cases, when children need help, they’ll convey it explicitly. They may tell you, ‘I need help with…’ or ‘How can I fix this?’ Such sentence framing clearly indicates they’re seeking help.
So, the formula is relatively simple. Whenever your children use feeling-focused communication, validate first and vice versa.
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Observe Their Reaction to Your Initial Response
Your children’s reaction can be incredibly telling if you pay close attention to how they respond or react after every response from your end. Whenever you try to help your kids, either through fixing or listening, always pause and analyse their reaction to your initial response. If they appear relieved hearing your words or say phrases like ‘you get it,’ then continue talking.
But if they appear frustrated with your response, try to cut you off, or say sentences like ‘that’s not what I meant,’ it signals that you jumped to fixing too quickly, or they needed you to be a patient listener at that moment. We believe every child has an innate sense of what they need emotionally. So, when their parents match their emotional needs correctly, they feel understood and supported.
When parents mismatch their emotional expectations, i.e., offering solutions when they need empathy and vice versa, they feel disconnected and misunderstood. So, if you notice frustration or withdrawal after offering advice, pause and switch to listening. This simple technique demands careful observation, but ensures you provide what your kids need at a given point in time.
Conclusion
We have seen that many times, parents tend to misunderstand both ‘fixing’ and ‘listening.’ That’s probably because they believe one is superior to the other, when in reality, both hold importance. Your child needs both fixing and listening; you only need to find out which one they need at a given point.
This is why we at Delhi Public School Kota, one of the top CBSE schools in Kota, have elaborately discussed ways to choose between fixing and listening in different scenarios so that you, as parents, do not face significant challenges in this context. We recommend paying attention to all three points we discussed in this blog post. If it looks overwhelming, start with one point and then gradually incorporate the other two in your decision-making process.
With consistent effort and time, you’ll notice that knowing when to offer listening and when to choose fixing has become your second nature. It will benefit both you and your kids in the long run.